FREE JOKES

YO' MAMA JOKES

Yo mama's so big, her belly button's got an echo.
Yo mama's so big, she can't wear an X jacket cause helicopters kept landing on her back.
Yo mama's so big, she rollerskates on busses.
Yo mama's so big, she thought Barnum & Bailey were clothing designers.
Yo mama's so big, she uses a jungle gym for a walker.
Yo mama's so big, she uses bowling balls for earrings.
Yo mama's so big, she uses the interstate for a Slip `n Slide.
Yo mama's so big, she whistles bass.
Yo mama's so big, that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step.
Yo mama's so big, that they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One size fits most"
Yo mama's so big, they had to paint a stripe down her back to see if she was walking or rolling.
Yo mama's so big, when I fingered her I lost a watch and two rings!
Yo mama's so big, when she bent down to tie her shoes, her face got burnt from re-entry.
Yo mama's so big, when she goes in the water at the beach she changes the tide.
Yo mama's so big, when she stands up the sun goes out.
Yo mama's so big, when she went to the airport and said she wanted to fly they stamped Goodyear on her and sent her out to the runway.
Yo mama's so big, when you climb on top of her your ears pop
Yo mama's so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her to move her fat ass out of the way.
Yo mama's so fat n black, she jumped in the ocean and they thought she was an oil spill.
Yo mama's so fat that she has TB... two bellies.
Yo mama's so fat, "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her butt cheeks.
Yo mama's so fat, a picture of her fell off the wall!
Yo mama's so fat, after she got off the carousel, the horse limped for a week.
Yo mama's so fat, all of her clothes have to be custom made by a contractor.
Yo mama's so fat, all the chairs in her house have seat belts.
Yo mama's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that says: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama"
Yo mama's so fat, and her back is so crooked, when she lays down...people say "I didn't know we had mountains."
Yo mama's so fat, and you're so poor, when she comes in your house the tires pop.
Yo mama's so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts.
Yo mama's so fat, but I fucked her anyway.
Yo mama's so fat, Dr. Martens had to kill 3 cows just to make her a pair of shoes.
Yo mama's so fat, even God couldn't raise her spirits.
Yo mama's so fat, even her shadow has stretch marks.
Yo mama's so fat, even Richard Simmons laughs at her.
Yo mama's so fat, every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil.
Yo mama's so fat, God created her, and on the seventh day he rested.
Yo mama's so fat, her ass has it's own congressman.
Yo mama's so fat, her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud.
Yo mama's so fat, her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
Yo mama's so fat, her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine.
Yo mama's so fat, her belt size is the equator.
Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is rocky-road.
Yo mama's so fat, her car is made of spandex.
Yo mama's so fat, her car is made out of spandex.
Yo mama's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
Yo mama's so fat, her college graduation picture was an aerial.
Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
Yo mama's so fat, her favorite blouse is a tent.
Yo mama's so fat, her nickname is "Damn."
Yo mama's so fat, her picture takes two frames.
Yo mama's so fat, her skates went flat.
Yo mama's so fat, her tailor takes her measurements in light years.
Yo mama's so fat, her yearbook picture is an aerial.
Yo mama's so fat, I gain weight just by watching her eat.
Yo mama's so fat, I gotta take three steps back just to see all of her.
Yo mama's so fat, I had to roll over twice to get off of her.
Yo mama's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.
Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost.
Yo mama's so fat, I saw a picture of her in a magazine on page 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8.
Yo mama's so fat, I saw her in New York, and when I told my friend in LA, he'd seen her too.
Yo mama's so fat, I shot the bitch and Crisco came out.
Yo mama's so fat, if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it!
Yo mama's so fat, if she wears fishnet stockings, they'd better be 50 pound test!
Yo mama's so fat, if she weighed five more pounds, she could get group insurance!
Yo mama's so fat, if she were an airplane, she'd be a jumbo jet.
Yo mama's so fat, instead of Levi's 501 jeans, she wears Levi's 1002's.
Yo mama's so fat, instead of wide leg jeans, she wears wide load.
Yo mama's so fat, I've got to tell two snaps just to cover her fat ass.
Yo mama's so fat, Jenny Craig did a credit check.
Yo mama's so fat, last time she went to Sea World Shamu got a hard on.
Yo mama's so fat, NASA is going to use her to fill the hole in the ozone layer.
Yo mama's so fat, NASA orbits satellites around her.
Yo mama's so fat, no one can talk behind her back.
Yo mama's so fat, on a scale of 1 to 10, she's a 747.
Yo mama's so fat, one day she was lifting up her rolls and a car fell out.
Yo mama's so fat, one day when she got in a fight the person fighting her got lost in her.

DUMB BLONDE JOKES

Q. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman?
A. Cause you have to hollow out it's head!

     A blonde walked into a doctor's office with two burnt ears. The doctor asked her, "What happened to your ear?" The blonde replied, "I was ironing and the phone rang, so instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and put it to my ear.
     Still not satisfied, the doctor asked, "Well, what happened to the other ear?"
     "The sucker called again!"

Q. Why was the blonde in the tree?
A. Because she was raking up the leaves!

     A blonde comes home from a day of shopping and discovers that her house is on fire, so she calls the fire department on her cell phone.
      "Please state the nature of your emergency," says the operator.
      "Help! My house is on fire!" the blonde replies.
      "Okay, where do you live?"
      "In a house you silly billy!" the blonde replies.
      "No,no! How do we get there?" the operator asks fustratedly.
      "Duh! Big Red Truck!!"

     One day 2 blondes decided to drive to Disney Land. When they saw a sign that said 'Disney Land left' they turned around and went home.

     A blonde goes into a Best Buy. She asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
     The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing and again the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
     Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How do you know I am a blonde?"
     The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV - it's a microwave."

A. Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
Q. They think their picture is being taken.

     A man was trimming his bushes. His neighbor (the blonde) walks out, checks her mail only to see that it's empty, and goes back inside.
      Five minutes later, she comes back out, checks her mail again only to see that it's still empty, and goes back in.
      The third time she comes out, the man asks her, "Excuse me, is there a problem?"
      The blonde replies, "Darn right there's a problem! My computer keeps on telling me 'I've got mail'!"

A. Why can't Blondes dial 911?
Q. They can't find the 11 on the phone!

     A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. Then one day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

     Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theater?
     They went to see "Closed for Winter".

     Once there was a blonde who was going to take flying lessons, so she went to the airport to rent a plane. The manager told her there were no planes left so she would have to use a helicopter. So the blonde got in the helicopter and took off. Every 10 miles she checked in with the manager; after the first 10 miles, she said it was a blast. When she reached 20 she told him that she had never seen so many buttons. But when she reached 30 miles she didn't check in so the manager went to rescue her. When he found her he asked her how she crashed. The blonde replied, "It was getting cold so I turned off the big fan."

Q. What is eternity?
A. When 4 blondes meet at a 4-way-stop-sign-intersection!

     One day, a blonde went to a ventriloquist show. During the show, the ventriloquist used his "dummy" to make fun of blondes. The crowd roared with laughter, but the blonde was angry.
     Outraged, she stood up and said, "How dare you make fun of blondes!"
     The ventriloquist replied saying, "Madam, I'm very sorry. But it's just part of the act."
     The blonde screamed, "You shutup! I'm talking to the little man on your knee!"

Q. What does a blonde see when she looks into a box of cheerios?
A. Donut seeds.

     A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.
     Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.
     Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.
     The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?"
     The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that."
     "Comfortable?" the guy questions.
     "Yes, you see she reads slow."

Q. What is the fastest way to get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A. Wave at her.

     A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
      The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
      A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
      "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

     A blonde was going on a plane trip to New York. When the attendant came by and asked for her ticket, she told the blonde,"I'm sorry. Your ticket isn't for first class. Could you please move to your seat." The blonde replied,"Im blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York." The attendant said,"That's fine miss, but you'll have to go to your seat." The blonde responded again, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."
      This conversation continued, always with the blonde's same response. The attendant got so upset that she went to the captain and told him about the blonde. The captain went and whispered something in the blonde's ear and the blonde immeadiately got up and went to her seat in coach.
      The attendant asked the captain how he got the stubborn blonde to move. He said, "I just told her that this part of the plane wasn't going to New York."

     A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
      In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
      Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
     The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

     After leaving a store, a blonde walked out and went up to a soda machine. The blonde put in 50 cents and out popped a coke. She searched her bag for more money. She found some and kept feeding the machine money. Cokes and Sprite and Mountain Dew bottles began rolling down the street.
      A young man walked up behind her and watched this for a few minutes. Then he asked, "Can I get one now?"
      She whizzed around and yelled, "No way, can't you see I'm winning?"

     A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are standing in front of the Mirror of Truth. It sucks up and kills anyone who tells a lie in front of it. So the brunette says, "I'm the smartest person in the world." She gets sucked up and dies.The redhead says,"I've got the most curly hair," and she gets sucked up and dies also. The blonde says,"I think....." and she gets sucked up and dies.

     A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
      Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows... "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
      Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
      The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.
      When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight.
      Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together....the side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

     Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level.
      The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, so she decides to go up and investigate.
      When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. They all have white knuckles.
      The brunette asks, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
      One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

     A red head walks into a salon and the hair stylist says your hair is gorgeous and the redhead runs her hand through her hair and says It's natural.
      Then a brunette walks in and the stylist says I love you hair and the brunette runs her hand through her hair and says it's natural.
      Then a blonde with green streaks walks in and the stylist says "That's different..." The blonde sneezes, wipes it on her hand and runs her hand through her hair and says, "It's natural!"

POLITICAL JOKES

Conservative Republican Action Patrol (C.R.A.P.)
"Mendacity, Hypocrisy, and the republican way."

The Konservative Komics of Kansas (K.K.K.) is proud to introduce the Conservative Republican Action Patrol. Join us in our monthly adventures as C.R.A.P. takes on the evil Liberal High Priestess Hillary and her white house gang.

The C.R.A.P. Pledge of Honour
"I pledge to comfort the comfortable & afflict the afflicted, stand for the rights of the repressed white males, persecuted Christians, & the common millionaire; fight compassion in all its forms, and battle for what Rush says is the truth, just us, & the republican way."

Each member of C.R.A.P. has a superpower that will help them in ridding the world of Liberals and making the States safe for rich white republicans! Let's learn about the few, the elite, the superheroes who make up C.R.A.P...

Newt man
This caped crusader's special weapon is the cretinizer, which can spout 3rd-wave-cyber-goop empowered nonsense so fast it will make an enemy die of either boredom or laughter. The source of his extraordinary powers are secret book slush fund. His weakness is exposure in the press...too much of this & he will self destruct.

ranch-dude
With his lightning-fast lobbyists & trusty equine companion "hip-o-krit," ranch dude saddles up & rides whenever C.R.A.P. calls. Quick to fight for freedom from the evil federals even as he suckles up to their generous teat, ranch-dude leads the way.

slayer of trees
This mighty superhero can smite acres of old-growth forest with one fell swoop. His secret powers are the result of being dropped on his head as a boy. His arch-nemesis is Commander Gore of the Liberal Forces.

greenback
This superhero was one of the founding members of C.R.A.P. & can destroy entire communities with one sweep of his mighty pen. His strength comes from stock-options, & his only point of weakness is his back pocket. Only a well-timed grab in this spot by one of his enemies can defeat the greenback.

commander stupor
Known to his closest friends as Robert Dole, commander stupor is known for being a bold dresser and dashing ladies' man. He recently traded in his day job to become a full-time member of C.R.A.P. out to fight the Liberals wherever they may be. His secret weapon is his stupor-ray, which makes the victim die of boredom.

menthol man
Wielding a six-shooter in one holster, and a pack of Luckies in the other, boldly avenging oppressed smokers & tobacco companies everywhere, in is menthol man! Always quick with a light, or a wad of cash for his congressional "friend," menthol man rides high in the saddle. Menthol man's secret weapon, his powerful breath, can fell dozens of opponents, leaving them wrenching on the ground from secondhand smoke. His only weakness is a hacking early-morning cough & yellow teeth.

the arsenal
Acting as the official C.R.A.P. liason with the NRA, the arsenal is a walking mass of destruction. Half-human, half-cyborg, arsenal man carries enough firepower to kill hundreds of schoolchildren, commuters, & tourists in one fell swoop. His only weakness is his arch-nemesis Brady, who has cast a spell on arsenal which forces him to wait 5 days between each killing-spree.

minister-boy
Minister-boy is the spiritural advisor to C.R.A.P., but he also packs a mighty wallop of his own. Using magic powers beyond the pale of any mortal, minister-boy can talk directly with God & find out what He wants, and then quote God's message out of context. As a powerful sorceror, minister-boy can cast spells on his enemies, forcing them to worship & believe as he wants them to.

Be on the lookout for pictures & emblems of your favourite C.R.A.P. members, as well as learning about new ones, such as their favourite radio host, the human dirigible...as well as a chance to see C.R.A.P. in action...all coming soon!

**************

How do you keep a republican busy all day?
Put him in a round room & tell him to wait in the corner.

Why do republicans wear earmuffs?
To avoid the draft.

What do republicans do for foreplay?
Remove their underwear.

Why did the republican state at the forzen juice can for 2 hours?
Because it said "concentrate."

Why don't republicans have elevator jobs?
They don't know the route.

Why do republicans work 7 days a week?
So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

What's the difference between Elvis & a smart republican?
Elvis has been sighted.

How does a republican commit suicide?
He gathers all his hate into a pile & jumps off.

What's every republican's ambition in life?
To be like Vanna White & learn the alphabet.

What are the worst 6 years in a republican's life?
Third grade

How do you make a republican laugh on Monday mornings?
Tell them a joke on Friday night

Why do republicans hate M&M's?
They're too hard to peel.

Why did the republican break his leg raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.

How can you tell a FAX was sent by a republican?
There's a stamp on it.

Why is it good to have a republican passenger?
You can park in the handicap zone.

What happens when a republican has Alzheimers disease?
His IQ goes up!

What do you get when you offer a republican a penny for his thoughts?
Change.

What do you call a cellar full of republicans?
A whine cellar.

What do you call 10 republicans standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel

What do you call 15 republicans in a circle?
A dope ring

What do you call a republican in an institute of higher learning?
A visitor

What do you call a republican with half a brain?
Gifted

What's the only way a republican can raise his IQ?
Standing on a chair.

What do you call it when a republican gets taken over by a demon?
A vacant possession.

Why is a republican's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
Because it swells at night.

What is the definition of gross ignorance?
144 republicans.

Why is a republican like a scud missile?
Both are offensive & inaccurate.

How many conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They'll pass a law forcing school children to pray to God to take the dark away.

How many republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just 1, but first he'll have to spend $40 million in taxpayer money holding a congressional hearing on it, while complaining how everyone else wastes money. Then he'll have a special investigator spend another $40 million on it.

How many republicans does it take to change a lightbulb at their national convention?
10,001. 1 lonely African American to change it & 10,000 white men to complain Affirmative Action is unneccesary.

What's the difference between a republican & the rear end of a horse?
I don't know either.

What's the difference between a dead republican lying on the road & a dead squirrel lying on the road?
You feel sorry for the squirrel.

What's the difference between a republican & a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Since repubicans want to go to the good old pre-1950s days when contraceptives were banned, what do republicans use for birth controll?
Their personalities.

How can you tell if a republican is dead?
The whisky bottle is full & the comics haven't been touched.

What's the difference between a puppy & republican who the lobbyist didn't pay enough?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.

Why are republican hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.

What's the difference between a republican & a sack of manure?
The sack.

What do you have when a group of republicans are up to their necks in concrete?
Not enough concrete.

What's the ideal weight for a republican?
About 2.5 lbs, including the urn.

What's the difference between God & a republican?
God knows he's not a republican.

What's the definition of a republican running for congress for the 1st time?
A mouse trying to become a rat.

Why should you never have anal intercourse?
Because that's how republicans are made.

Why don't republicans like anal sex?
They don't like their brains being screwed with.

What did the republican think of his new computer?
He didn't like it because he couldn't get the Pat Robertson channel.

What's the difference between a republican & a trampoline?
You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.

What do you call 20 republicans in a freezer?
frosted flakes

What's 5 km long & has an IQ of 40?
a republican parade

What's the difference between a Democrat & a republican?
No one minds if you spill beer on a republican.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the republican declaring his God-given right to eat him.

What's the difference between a republican & a congressman?
The republican can force you to pray.

Why do we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world?
So much of it passed through republicans.

How do republicans traditionally greet each other?
Hi, I'm better than you.

What's the diference between a world war & a republican promise?
The republican promise causes more suffering.

How can you tell if a republican is actually dead?
Who cares?

What's the difference between a penny & a republican promise?
Read my lips--a penny's worth more.

       A lapsing republican goes into a drug store to buy some rubbers so he can practise safe sex instead of just saying no. He walks up to the pharmacist & asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"        "They're $1 for a box of 3, plus 6 cents for the tax."
       "Oh," said the republican. "I wondered how you kept them on."

A radio announcer was reporting 1 republican hate speech, anti-poor, & pro-gun jackpot rally, etc. after another, until the republican driver got mad & turned his radio off. 1 mile down the road he saw another republican out in a wheatfield in a boat rowing. The republican stopped his car, jumped out, & yelled "You jerk, it's republicans like you who give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there & give you what's coming to you."

republicans want to give fetuses equal or superior rights over women's bodies, even if it threats a woman's physical health--even when the fetus doesn't have a functioning human brain, or any brain at all. You only have to say one thing--republicans take care of their own.

       For years, a young attourney had been taking vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed to have sex with the innkeeper's daughter. The next time he arrived, he was looking forward to an exciting few days. He dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap.
       "Helen, why didn't you write when you learnt you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would've rushed up here, we could've gotten married, & the baby would have my name!"
       "Well," she said. "When my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night thinking & talking, & we decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a republican."

Biggest joke of the year: republican fairness

Phillip Morris said today that the tobacco settlement is costing so much money that they may have to lay off 2 republican senators.

If I had half a mind, I'd be a republican.

Be kind. Remember that sex IS a sin, the way republicans do it.

Al Gore, George W. Bush, & Rush Limbaugh are riding in a helicopter together. Rush decides to make one person happy & drops a dollar bill out of the helicopter. Bush wants to make five people happy, & drops five dollar bills out of the helicopter. Al Gore decides to do something to make everyone in the States happy, and drops Bush & Limbaugh out of the helicopter.

2 republicans are in a parking lot, trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coathanger. The first one said, "I can't seem to get this door unlocked." The second one replied, "Well, you'd better hurry up & try harder, it's starting to rain & the top is down!"

A republican found a magic genie's lamp & rubbed it. The genie said, "I'll grant you 1 wish." He said, "I wish I were smarter." So the genie made him a Democrat.

       A boy was selling puppies in front of his house, when he sees Bob Dole walking by. "Excuse me, sir, would you like to buy a puppy?" he asked.
       Dole replied, "Bob Dole doesn't need no dog."
       The boy quickly added, "Sir, they're republican puppies."
       "Hmmm," replied Dole. "Tell you what, Bob Dole has to give a speech at the city hall in fifteen minutes. Maybe some other time."
       Two days late, Dole headed happened to pass by the boy, still selling puppies. But now, he was trying to sell one to Bill Clinton. "Would you like a puppy?" the boy asked. "They're Democrats."
       "Now wait just a minute," Dole said. "Just 2 days ago, you told Bob Dole they were republicans."
        "Well," the boy answered, "now they have their eyes open."

       There was a town in Texas which was notorious for its pidgeon problems. The birds were carrying several diseases, & made a mess out of everything. Desperate, the town hired a pidgeon exterminator. He arrived, & explained that it would cost $100 to kill the pidgeons, plus $10 for any questions asked. The town agreed.
       The exterminator releases a pink pidgeon, which flew into the air. Slowly, one by one, the town's pidgeons began to fly after it, mimicking its every move. Finally, when all the pidgeons were following its lead, the exterminator snapped his fingers, & the pink pidgeon flew into the side of a building, killing itself. The other pidgeons followed, & in seconds, all the pidgeons were dead.
       The town was impressed, & gave him a check for $110. The exterminator looked at the check & said, "I suppose you have one question."
       "Yes," the mayor replied. "Do you have any pink republicans?"

A republican died & a friend went around collecting for a fund for his funeral. A woman was asked to donate $10. She said, "It only takes $10 to bury a republican? Here's $100, go bury 10 of them!"

Did you hear about the planeload of republican politicians en route to a Caribbean resort paid for by the tobacco & pollution lobbies? The good news--it crashed. The bad news--there were 3 empty seats.

       The pope & a republican were both killed in an automobile accident. The 2 were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the republican his name & looked it up in the Book. He then asked the pope for his name, & then looked it up in the Book too.
       "Now if you'll come with me, I'll show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter. They walked along the clouds & came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the republican & told him that this was to be his house. The pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like.
       St. Peter & the pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the pope that this would be his dwelling.
       The pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute! That other guy was a republican & he gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic Church & this is all the reward I get???"
       St. Peter looked at the pope & said, "True, you've done great things. But we have lots of popes in Heaven, & that guy was the 1st republican ever to make it up here."

A republican's response to the comment "Think about it!": "I don't have to think--I'm republican!"

A man found an old bottle, rubbed it, & a genie came out that offered him 1 wish. He said he was terrified of flying as well as boats but always wanted to go to Hawaii. The genie said that it was impossible because of the ocean depth & the length, & asked for an alternate wish. So the guy said he'd like all republicans to become honest & kind. The genie considered for a moment & said, "So, would 2 lanes be enough, or do you want 4?"

       A local United Way office realised that it had never received a donation from the town's richest man & leading republican. The contributions manager cornered him after a Sunday service. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $50,000,000, you give not a penny to charity Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
       The republican mulled this over for a moment & replied, "First, did your research also show that my mom is dying after a long illness, & had medical bills that are several times her annual income?
       Embarrased, the United Way rep mumbled "Um...no."
       "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind & confined to a wheelchair? Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her peniless with 3 kids?
       The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
       On a roll, the republican cut him off, "...So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!!!"

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